Everytime & Lentil

The rain continued pouring as I stood under the sky and watched Winky’s last moments. The vet held one of her forelegs and put in the needle. It didn’t work the first & second times so he had to inject it to her heart. Dexter, one of our other dogs, let out a sad bark. He knew what was going on.

 

I was glad I cried most of my tears the night before. I had some time to prepare myself for the moment. My sister could not control her tears. I tried my best to hold back mine. Winky was watching and I didn’t want to break down in front of her. Besides, the weather was definitely expressing what I was feeling at that moment.

 

A couple of weeks ago, one of our dogs, Winky acquired a disease. It was a virus according to the vet, an epidemic that strikes most dogs. So much rheum formed in her eyes for the past weeks. We gave her medicines prescribed by the vet but it was no avail. She seemed to improve for a couple of days but it only got worse. Few days later, she began wobbling when walking. Then she was not able to neither walk nor stand. All she did was lay on her side and struggled to get up. It was a heartbreaking sight. Perhaps, the virus reached her brain and rendered her paralyzed.

 

I did some research to gain more insight about her condition. I partly doubted the vet because he did not give only good news. Upon researching, I stumbled into euthanasia. I knew it existed but did not think it could be done for dogs as well. As I read articles about it, explaining why it needed to be done, tears rolled down my eyes. I just couldn’t imagine myself deciding to put Winky down. It was like sentencing death to someone you love. I tried not to make any noise so as not to draw attention from my officemates.

The List (by LoveStoned @ Caedes)

 

 

 

When I got home, I saw her lying beside our gate. I patted her head through the grills. She tried to lift her head knowing I was there but failed to do so. Her tail wagged against the cold cement. I knew that she knew I was there and wanted to greet me. I hushed her to remain still so as not to hurt herself. When I got through the gate, I looked into her. In her eyes was the strong will to defy the misfortune bestowed upon her. I patted her head and her legs so many times. Pain came from her mouth as she attempted to bark several times.

 

Winky was just an ordinary dog. She did not inherit the fluffy fur of her father and the sleek black fur of her mother. She was brown and shorter than both her parents but she was my favourite dog. We would not allow our other dogs to stay inside the house except for her. She was the most obedient and tamed dog we’ve had. I loved her so much. When she’s near, I would always hug her.

 

Seeing her suffer was enough to convince me to finally put her to sleep. What good would it be to keep her alive when she couldn’t even barely stand, eat, or drink? It would be totally selfish of me to deny her the peace she rightfully deserved. It was time to let go.

 

The rain did not go away even after her heart stopped beating. It was just the right setting. Rain dropped on my eyeglasses and on her body. It was washing away both of our pain. It was a relief to know she didn’t have to suffer anymore. It was the last gift I could give to her.

 

My mother & my sisters were out tonight. I was grateful for that, because as I watched American Idol’s elimination night I could not help but cry. Winky’s absence inside the house is something I am not used to. She’d often lay beside me as I faced my laptop every night. I’d feed her bread or whatever it was I was eating. I’d give her a pat on the head as I watched her sleep. Even up to this moment I couldn’t help looking at my right expecting to see her.

 

I’ll just have to remind myself she’s now at the Rainbow Bridge. Do dogs go to heaven too? If there is, I know she’s there. Should I wish to see her, I will just have to watch a montage video set against Britney’s Everytime that I made of her and her siblings when they were still puppies. If I have a song to sing for her, it will be Sia’s Lentil.

 

Oh I, I never meant to let you down.

I’ll wait with a stake in my heart.

I never meant to put you down.

I’m trying not to fall apart.

Marissa’s Letter

Dear Annie,

We have been friends for more than a year already. Lately, I’ve noticed a huge change from you. You’re not the same Annie I’ve met before. I know that I am just your friend and there are other people in your life that matters to you more than I do. Sometimes, when I’m with you I feel that I am with a total stranger. The warm connection we once shared is now a cold and broken line.  

The Letter

At times, I wish we could be younger so I can be with the old you. Maybe it is such a selfish thing to ask for. I know there’s a reason why I long for the old you. So here, I listed the things about you that now keep us apart:

 

1. Every time you look at me, that smile of yours is like a dagger. Its poison slowly kills me with so much pain. I wanted to buy an Aztec mask to hide that grotesque grin. How you could paint such a hideous expression on your face baffles me.
2. When I call you on your phone, you answer it after eleven rings. It didn’t take you longer than five rings to answer it before. What’s going on during the other six seconds that pass? “Oh-here-we-go-again” was one thing that came to mind. If you didn’t want to answer your phone, then you should’ve turned it off. Perhaps you could give it to someone who doesn’t own one. They would be happy for sure.
3. The previous item brought me here. Your Guess handbag your dad gave you is still gathering dust in your bedroom. It’s Guess for fucking sakes! How could you not showcase it to the world? I’d die if I own a Guess bag like yours but I can only own a cheap imitation so far. You are such a fool for not showing the world your new profound elite status. In my dreams, I saw myself creeping up in your room and stealing that bag. Then I bitchslapped you like your mother as the dessert for such a delicious main course.
4. Your lovey-dovey attitude towards your new dog makes me sick. You wanted to own one for fifteen years. When your parents finally let you, you didn’t even tell me. I asked your sister why you were so fixated with your pet. She didn’t exactly tell me why but I got some juice from her. You let your pet sleep on your own pillow. You write love notes for it. You brush its teeth with your own toothbrush. You post “I love you cutie pie darling so much” in your MySpace along with its picture. Sometimes I wonder if you want to make love to it. Are you into bestiality?
5. You spread nasty things about your neighbor’s St. Bernard. How could you be so jealous? Still you have time to stick your nose into other people’s dogs. Is 24/7 still not enough to make you so busy with your pet? Is one dog not enough to make you happy? I hear that you stare with those dark, donut eyes every time your neighbor and his dog passes your lawn. Then you lick your lips as if you want to eat the pet.
6. The waitress at the local diner told me about your insatiable appetite. You never fail to make a visit to them. Your order had been growing by day. The last tray the waitress served to you had a double deluxe cheeseburger, large bowl of fries with mayo, giant hotdog sandwich with sauerkraut, brownies topped with nuts and raisins, and a big tumbler of Diet Coke. Holy cow! You still got the urge to go ‘Diet’.
7. That led us to this last item. Just last week, you organized a garage sale of your clothes. It was bye-bye to your skimpy dresses, skinny jeans, stockings, and tees. I asked your mother why. According to her, you were gathering enough money to buy you XXXL shirts and pants. You should’ve listened to her advice to cut the junk foods.

Perhaps I am too harsh in writing this. What sense will our friendship be if I don’t inform you of these miseries? When the time comes you rid these things I mentioned above, then we can be together again.

Your friend former-friend,

Marissa

Rheum, Tumor, and Headache

 

I know I’ve felt this way before. It was almost three years ago. Yes, three years had passed since I last got into this state. At a certain point during the last year or so, I almost forgot what it felt like. The emptiness, the cloud that hanged over me, the anger, the darkness – they were all there. Now, they have revisited me again.

 

An intense headache triggered me to realize I had fallen into the abyss I was so scared of. For weeks I was in denial. The dark version of me I had successfully repressed had taken over once again. It’s right here. When I stare into the mirror, I see it staring back at me – the dark eyes, the cold smile, and the foggy aura.

 

One of our dogs was taken to the veterinary this day. The good vet diagnosed her with an epidemic. She has lots of rheum in her eyes. She couldn’t even open her eyelids. Her nose is filled with snot she couldn’t smell the food we tried giving her. She just lays on the floor, almost motionless except for the wagging of her tail. Why she does that, I’ll never know. All I know is when I look at her and when I pat her, I can feel the pain. The sadness sweeps over me. It drowns me like the sea. I wish I could do anything but I really couldn’t. The worst thing, according to the vet, is if the virus reaches her brain she’ll die. My heart just broke. I wouldn’t want that to happen, I’d never do.

 

It was weeks ago when she had a fight with another dog of ours. This was not just a silly playful fight. It was intense. The other dog had its teeth sunk into her neck. Her left ear was lopsided I thought it would fall off. When I got into the scene, I really didn’t know what to do. I have a fear of blood. When I see blood, I lose all logical thinking. I turn coward. That was not the first time it happened. It was one of my worst nightmares. When I finally broke off the two dogs, the smell of the blood almost killed me. It was the most amount of blood I’ve ever seen dripping from my dog. She was my favourite. I was aghast. The stress of their fight probably brought the infection to her. I was disgusted with the other dog.

 

However, the other dog was not all well too. She had a tumour for quite a long time now. I really didn’t know what it was, but when the vet said that was it I felt another giant wave of seawater came over me. I know I am supposed to feel mad at her for causing pain to my other dog, but I just couldn’t. Her eyes are the one of the saddest I’ve ever seen. Sometimes I just want to hug her and don’t let go. Sometimes I just want to get away from her and don’t see her again anymore. She will die if it’s not removed but the vet said it may return anyway.

 

I just surrendered four kilos of dirty money to my mother. One of my siblings need it to enrol. I actually had the money from the savings I had working as a teacher. It was all that was remaining. I wish I could give more because it wasn’t enough. What could I do? There were other bills to pay too. My father did not send dirty money from abroad. He wanted to clear his debts there which was something good but ultimately had its consequences.

 

My recently born nephew was still in the hospital. I found out he has UTI. How could a newly born obtain it? It perplexes me. His three-year old sister looked thin lately. It must be the lack of healthy food perhaps. At times I wanted them to be mine. I wanted to give them the best even if I know I couldn’t. Maybe it’s not the right time yet. Maybe someday I will and I can.

 

So I go back to my headache and it still will not go away. Half of me wants to go to sleep, half of me doesn’t. Maybe we can exchange every second we’re awake with dirty money. I’ll be willing not to sleep if that is so. By then, I wouldn’t have even written this anyway. 

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}